Before You Wrap the Leftovers

Two Greetings

1A—If you say, “Good morning, little schoolgirl . . .” and you’re carrying a guitar—you’re under contract.

1B—If you say, “Good morning, little schoolgirl . . .” and you’re not carrying a guitar—you’re under arrest.

2—If you say, “Hey, little girl . . .”—you’re Jack Jones winning the 1964 Grammy Award for Best Vocal Performance, Male.

*

Greeting number 1 (A & B) is my bad joke riffing on the famous blues song recorded by, among others, Muddy Waters.

Greeting number 2, written by Burt Bacharach and Hal David(1) is an unintentional bad joke of a song that competes for top spot in the Crappiest Song League, Sexist Division.

The song is entitled “Wives and Lovers”—here are the lyrics:

Hey, little girl, comb your hair, fix your make-up

Soon he will open the door

Don't think because there's a ring on your finger 

You needn't try any more

For wives should always be lovers too

Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you

I'm warning you

Day after day, there are girls at the office 

And the men will always be men

Don't stand him up with your hair still in curlers 

You may not see him again

Wives should always be lovers too

Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you

He's almost here

Hey, little girl, better wear something pretty

Something you wear to go to the city

Dim all the lights, pour the wine, start the music

Time to get ready for love

It's time to get ready for love

Yes, it's time to get ready for love

It's time to get ready, kick your shoes off, baby

There are three groups that are insulted in this 1960’s bundle of stereotyped sexism. 

The first—and most obvious—are stay-at-home wives. They have achieved their great goal—a ring on your finger. But they have turned into frumpy, disheveled little girls, who can be summoned with a demeaning Hey, be lectured to about how to please their husbands, and—most importantly—be warned that there are girls at the office. 

If the women who don’t work are insulted, so too are working women, the second stereotyped group. Unmarried, they are not submissive weaker halves to their hubbies; they are wanton(2) hussies, Loreleis, who, coldheartedly, lure faithful husbands onto the rocks of extra-marital dalliances. 

And that brings us to the third insulted group: men— And the men will always be men. Are these 1960s men counter-Harvey Weinstein types who have such a low libido that they have to be lured into making love at home by the hair-curlered drabs turning themselves into sexpots who can rival those man-eating typists—Hey, little girl, better wear something pretty

Something you wear to go to the city

Dim all the lights, pour the wine, start the music?

Or are they spineless creatures who, forgetting their vows, let uncombed hair turn them into workplace predators?

*

I was quite surprised in doing research for this post to learn that “Wives and Lovers” had preceded Marabel Morgan’s best-selling book The Total Woman: How to Make Your Marriage Come Alive by a decade. That notorious tome proclaimed, "It's only when a woman surrenders her life to her husband, reveres and worships him and is willing to serve him, that she becomes really beautiful to him.”(3) As Wikipedia puts it, the book was famous for “instructing wives to greet their man at the front door wearing sexy outfits; suggestions included ‘a cowgirl or a showgirl.’” This idea was expanded (apparently by a reader) to include greeting hubby while swathed in Saran Wrap. 

It was 35 years after The Total Woman was published that blogger “Bonnie” at “Peculiar Beauty” related that her search for the origin of the Saran idea led her to 

“Perfect Bodies Equal Perfect Sex” on Christianity Today. Teri Looney (which would totally be my pen name if I wanted to write about keeping sex alive in Christian marriage) writes:  "I remember feeling queasy the first time I heard the idea: if your love life seems stale, send the kids to a neighbor's house, prepare a candlelight dinner, and greet your man at the front door swathed only in Saran Wrap. First of all, Saran Wrap isn't cheap and I'm a size 12. Second, do I really want to send my husband the subliminal message that I'm just 'leftovers'? And third, what happens if I get too close to those candles?”(4)

*

Saran Wrap as a sexual come-on. Even Mel Brooks (as the 2000-year-old man) didn’t think of that:

[Carl] REINER: In the 2,000 years you’ve lived, you’ve seen a lot of changes.

BROOKS: Certainly. 

REINER: What is the biggest change you’ve seen?

BROOKS: In 2,000 years, the greatest thing mankind ever devised, I think, in my humble opinion, is Saran Wrap. You can put a sandwich in it. You can look through it. You can touch it. You can put it over your face and you can fool around and everything. It’s so good and cute. You can wrap it up. I love it. You can put three olives in it and make a little one. You can put 10 sandwiches in it and make a big Saran Wrap. Whatever you want. It clings and sticks. It’s great. You can look right through it.”(5)

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(1) They also wrote "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head,”  "I Say a Little Prayer,” "Walk On By,” "What the World Needs Now Is Love,” “Alfie,” and "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?"

(2) Bad speller that I am, I first typed “wonton”—I like that image better.

(3) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marabel_Morgan

(4) http://peculiarbeautyblog.blogspot.com/2008/09/saran-wrap-isnt-cheap-and-im-size.html

(5) https://www.washingtonpost.com/express/wp/2009/11/16/carl-reiner-mel-brooks-2000-year-old-man/?utm_term=.58f31a514ff1

The Clank of Music

Today on “Hockey Central at Noon” on sportsnet.ca the question was raised, “Who is your hero?” That got me thinking—not about my heroes—but about expanding my discussion about crappy (but famous) songs and poems. I think soppiness is the major offense that I focus on when deciding what goes on my list. 

The hero-cum-soppiness drivel is most evident in “Wind Beneath My Wings,” written by Jeff Silbar and Larry Henley and most famously unleashed to afflict the public in the rendition by Bette Midler. Here’s some of it:

Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.

It must have been cold there in my shadow,

To never have sunlight on your face.

You were content to let me shine, that's your way.

You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,

While you were the one with all the strength.

A beautiful face without a name for so long.

A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,

And everything I would like to be?

I can fly higher than an eagle,

For you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,

But I've got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.

I would be nothing without you.

Here I am on top of the world—but of course it’s all because of poor overlooked you. I nominate this as the epitome of humblebragging. It even tops that bone-achingly foolish internet abbreviation “IMHO,” which, of course, has nothing humble about it. 

The song ends with a faux-religious touch:

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,

So high I almost touch the sky.

Thank you, thank you,

Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

*

While we’re on the spirituality trail, here’s a song that almost literally put me off the road. Back when I had my Austin Healey Sprite* I would sometimes take a spin along back roads with the top down, listening to either WMCA or WABC, the two major pop/rock music stations in the New York area (only AM radio in the car). On one sunny Saturday as I was driving along, the DJ announced that he was going to play a new release. OK. The sound dispersed into the countryside as I half-listened to a song called “Honey.” Here’s part of the lyrics:

And Honey, I miss you

And I'm bein' good

And I'd love to be with you

If only I could

One day while I was not at home

While she was there and all alone the angels came

Now all I have is memories of Honey

And I wake up nights and call her name

Now my life's an empty stage

Where Honey lived, and Honey played and love grew up

And a small cloud passes over head

And cries down on the flower bed that Honey loved

(Written by Bobby Russell)  

“While she was there and all alone the angels came”—did I really hear that? I jerked the wheel and the Sprite pulled toward the right. It can’t be that a grown man would describe death as “the angels came.” Even a slow 5-year-old wouldn’t buy that. I spent more gasoline driving around aimlessly for the next hour in order to confirm what I heard (I knew the station would repeat the new release during that time). Unfortunately, yes; what I had heard, I had heard. Angels!

*

While we’re on the subject of Bobby Russell (AKA Robert L. Russell and Robert Russell), let’s be crabby about his apples. He also wrote “Little Green Apples”:

Sometimes I call her up at home knowin' she's busy

And ask her if she could get away and meet me

And maybe we could grab a bite to eat

And she drops what she's doin' and she hurries down to meet me

And I'm always late

But she sits waitin' patiently and smiles when she first sees me

'Cause she's made that way

And if that ain't lovin' me

Then all I've got to say

God didn't make little green apples

And it don't snow in Minneapolis when the winter comes

And there's no such thing as make-believe

Puppy dogs, autumn leaves 'n' BB guns

God didn't make little green apples

And it don't rain in Indianapolis in the summertime

There’s our man God again. Not sending down angels to drag wives away to their death this time, but playing Johnny Appleseed. Are we out of Kindergarten yet?

***

Today in the Guardian there was an article entitled “Five classic songs that got sex right.” But that’s for another day.

***

• See http://drnormalvision.blogspot.com/2014/08/no-pop-for-pope.html

Gas, Masked

We’re almost two weeks into the new year; how are you making out with your resolutions? Are you hitting the gym every day? You haven’t sneaked some chocolate brownies, have you? And the smoking: no cigs this year so far, right?

OOPS. Sorry I asked. 

Actually, I’m not. Because there’s a point I wish to make: If people can’t self-regulate for their OWN benefit, how can we expect them to self-regulate for the benefit of others?

*

Many years ago I owned an early electronic chess set. For many moons while pitting my talent against the black box, I was ever being reminded that I was no Bobby Fischer.* Having one’s head handed to one on a regular basis was no fun.

Until one day when I tested a new opening combination. On my fourth move I adventurously thrust my knight deep into enemy territory, captured the machine’s knight (or bishop, I don’t recall after all these years), willing to see what the exchange (for capture of my horse was a certainty) would open up. To my amazement the machine declined the exchange, making an irrelevant move in some distant corner of the board. What was that all about? What fiendish ploy was being perpetrated? To my eyes it made absolutely no sense—because now it seemed I had mate in one! 

I made the move. Checkmate! I won—or was it that the machine had lost? How was it that it had gone so far astray as to not see what was in front of its eyes? Surely, it must just have been a blip, an anomaly, momentary brain fade. I decided to test it out. I made the same opening moves, and the machine countered with its same moves. I struck again with my knight, and held my breath. Would the doomed knight be removed from the board this time?

No. The machine made the same (wrong) response—and so my knight once more slew the dragon of the black box! And again—and again—and again.

And then I quit. Since the chess set no longer stopped me, I lost interest, and I put it away in its box and buried it deep in some closet.

*

Consider speed limits. You hate them, right? You want to drive soooo fast, but that sign says 60 or 40 or 25. You can follow your desire and go soooo fast, but that police officer with his badge and his radar gun doesn’t care what your heart’s desire is. Whether you like what the sign says or not, you are expected to obey it or suffer the consequences.

During the push for civil rights legislation a half-century ago there were pundits and politicians who argued that equal rights legislation should be preceded by a change in the hearts and minds of the recalcitrants. As my roadside illustration exemplifies, the way to achieve social goals is by regulating actions not waiting for an explosion of Road to Damascus moments to change the internal mind sets of the recalcitrants. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said:

Now the other myth that gets around is the idea that legislation cannot really solve the problem and that it has no great role to play in this period of social change because you’ve got to change the heart and you can’t change the heart through legislation. You can’t legislate morals. The job must be done through education and religion.Well, there’s half-truth involved here.Certainly, if the problem is to be solved then in the final sense, hearts must be changed. Religion and education must play a great role in changing the heart.But we must go on to say that while it may be true that morality cannot be legislated, behavior can be regulated.**

*

“The Deaths That Come When an Industry's Left to Regulate Itself”

The headline of an important article in The Atlantic about the attempt by the Consumer Product Safety Commission to adopt standards for portable generators.*** As the article notes, “Portable generators release more carbon monoxide—which is particularly dangerous because it is odorless and invisible—than most cars.“ In the last dozen years those generators have killed an average of 70 people per year. Although the CPSC has been pushing the portable generator industry to address the issue of adopting standards for its products, 

the portable-generator industry fended off regulations that would have required it to reduce the carbon-monoxide emissions of its devices. . . .The industry lobbied hard, and also wielded an arsenal of delaying measures and misdirection, not to mention occasional strong-arm tactics to enforce industry discipline.

It appeared late in 2016, however, that industry regulations would finally be forthcoming. As the article notes, “The commission voted in favor of a rule to force manufacturers to lower their generators’ carbon-monoxide emissions. The vote was 4–1, with one Republican joining the majority of Democrats.”

However, after Donald Trump succeeded to the presidency, he nominated the only commissioner to vote against that rule, Ann Marie Buerkle, to be acting chair of the CPSC. “She is a government regulator who doesn’t appear to believe in government regulation,” according to The Atlantic. Buerkle claims that voluntary standards are “a better way to go.” (It seems that Buerkle isn’t all that fired up about regulating against monoxide poisoning. Which product hazards are her priorities? Buerkle says: “Fidget spinners are a big deal.”)

*

The Cookie Jar

If mama won’t slap your hand for sneaking cookies from the cookie jar, you’re gonna keep doing it.

The world has been the cookie jar for anti-social, anti-consumer, anti-environmental industries for too long. They act with about as much self-regulation as a five-year-old with chocolate-chip cookies in his sights, or an adult toward his resolutions two weeks into a new year. 

*

In sporting endeavors the rule is: “If they can’t stop it, keep doing it.”

The same in life.

*

“It may be true that the law cannot change the heart but it can restrain the heartless.”

MLK, Jr.

***

*And thank goodness for that, for I haven’t ended up as much of a whacko.

** https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justin-taylor/martin-luther-kings-response-to-you-cant-change-the-heart-through-legislation/

*** https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2017/12/regulations-portable-generators-cpsc-buerkle/547781/

The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la, have nothing to do with the case

Seven years ago, in a post entitled “Deforestation,”* I offered my answer to the question: “What is the crappiest famous poem?” I was moved to write that post after hearing a rendition of the famous musical setting of that nausea-inducing work "Trees." 

I have recently determined what is the runner-up to the musical version of “Trees” as “crappiest famous”: “I Believe.” In case you have had the good fortune of having forgotten how it goes, let me do the dirty and remind you:

I believe for every drop of rain that falls,

A flower grows,

I believe that somewhere in the darkest night,

A candle glows.

I believe for everyone who goes astray,

Someone will come to show the way.

I believe,

I believe.

I believe above the storm the smallest prayer,

Will still be heard.

I believe that someone in the great somewhere,

Hears every word.

Every time I hear a new born baby cry,

Or touch a leaf or see the sky.

Then I know why,

I believe.

Every time I hear a new born baby cry,

Or touch a leaf or see the sky.

Then I know why,

I believe.

*

Conducting independent research during the most recent precipitation event in New Jersey, I must admit that I did not get a bouquet of horticultural delight; what I did get was wet. 

I was lucky to escape with merely a minor cold.

*

Unfortunately, people’s beliefs (in opposition to soaking epistemological evidence) can (and do) have deleterious outcomes for others. Consider:

For weeks now, White House officials, Treasury Department officials, and G.O.P. leaders on Capitol Hill have been blithely asserting that their big tax plan—which features huge giveaways for corporations and wealthy investors in private partnerships—would pay for itself. The argument is that the plan, by sparking a wave of business investment and hiring, would generate enough extra tax revenues over time to offset the initial fall. Gary Cohn, Donald Trump’s top economic adviser, said it (“We believe we’re going to get more than enough growth to pay for this”). Paul Ryan, the Speaker of the House, did, too (“We believe . . . that we’re right there in the sweet spot, with economic growth that gives us more revenue with where we need to be”). And Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader, agreed (“We believe this is a responsible budget and a responsible tax reform”).**

It is most likely that those of us who are not a corporation or a multi-millionaire will end up being soaked by the recently-enacted Republican tax fiasco, er, bill. Despite the weedy beliefs of Cohn, Ryan, McConnell, and their fellow delusionists, trickle-down economics has never proven to be workable, and the calculations of showery mathematics (as practiced by Congress’s Joint Committee on Taxation, for example***) predict a flood of future misfortune for middle- and low-income families. 

But don’t knock the believers: we may all end up with flowers—or, more likely, hay fever.

*

By chance, today my fortune cookie, courtesy of Hunan Wok, read: “He who believes is strong; he who doubts is weak.”

True enough, if you’re W. C. Fields: “Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.”

However, what of the fate of A. B. Spottsworth?

It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn’t.**** P. G. Wodehouse, “Ring for Jeeves” (1953)

The moral, I guess, is: “Have another libation and stay away from big cats.”

That is a conclusion, one might declare, “Right as rain.”

***

* https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7509882774440556801#editor/target=post;postID=8036939007210362749;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=2;src=postname

** https://www.newyorker.com/news/our-columnists/a-capitol-hill-scorekeeper-eviscerates-the-gops-tax-math

*** https://www.vox.com/2017/11/16/16665958/jct-analysis-senate-gop-tax-plan

**** As happens many times, the verbs “to think” and “to believe” are interchangeable.  For example, “I think it’s going to rain”=“I believe it’s going to rain.”

"It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."

Nothing in my own words for this post. All quotations from others.

***

It was a custom introduced by this prince and his ministry (very different, as I have been assured, from the practice of former times,) that after the court had decreed any cruel execution, either to gratify the monarch’s resentment, or the malice of a favourite, the emperor always made a speech to his whole council, expressing his great lenity and tenderness, as qualities known and confessed by all the world.  This speech was immediately published throughout the kingdom; nor did any thing terrify the people so much as those encomiums on his majesty’s mercy; because it was observed, that the more these praises were enlarged and insisted on, the more inhuman was the punishment, and the sufferer more innocent.

Jonathan Swift, Gulliver’s Travels

***

The crowd just south of the White House roared last week as Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke introduced “a man who loves our parks” and “who brought ‘Merry Christmas!’ back to our nation’s capital.”

Zinke beamed as he pointed to Trump, who was off stage. “And you did, sir! It is my high honor to introduce the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump and our beautiful first lady [Melania Trump].”

The honor was Zinke’s because he oversees the National Park Service (he opened his remarks by saying that “our public lands are our greatest treasures”), and the park service oversees the annual lighting of the National Christmas Tree.

https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2017/12/christmas-what/547298/

*

On a visit to Utah on Monday, President Trump announced his proclamations dramatically shrinking the size of the state's two massive national monuments, Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante. Taken together, Trump's orders mark the largest reversal of national monument protections in U.S. history.

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/12/04/567803476/trump-dramatically-shrinks-2-utah-national-monuments

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Host Chris Cuomo immediately fired back that it seems like the president has “no standard of morality” and that this endorsement for Moore is all “political pragmatism.”

“The president has tremendous moral standards . . . , “ [Kellyanne] Conway retorted.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/kellyanne-conway-defends-trump-apos-151924081.html

*

Lurking in the background of the roiling debate about harassment and assault in American society are the allegations made against President Trump by at least 19 women, many of whom came forward after the release of the Access Hollywood tape in October 2016.

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/12/what-about-the-19-women-who-accused-trump/547724/

***

War is Peace. Freedom Is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength.

George Orwell, 1984 

"A Little Mistake" (Brief Look at Satire, Part 5)

I know I was a coward: In the early oughts, I wanted to ask a famous opera star this last question in an interview (which ended up not taking place at all): “For truly great artists, is there a different moral standard that applies?” Only very superficially an innocuous question, it was obvious enough in the context and I was strongly advised not to ask that question if I got the chance… lest I get in trouble.   Jens F. Laurson(1)

*

Let's keep in mind that Roman Polanski gave a 13-year-old girl a Quaalude and champagne, then raped her . . .(2)

 *

The Background:

1977—Film director Roman Polanski, indicted on 6 criminal charges, plea-bargained down to one—“Unlawful Sexual Intercourse with a Minor.”

1978—Polanski, instead of turning himself in for sentencing, fled the country. He has lived in Europe ever since. A French citizen, he was exempt from extradition to the United States.

2009—In Switzerland, however, Polanski was not free from extradition and was arrested in Zurich by the Swiss at the request of the US.

Immediately, Hollywood and other celebrities jumped into the fray, with statements in defense of the director. Ironically enough, considering recent events, one of the leaders in the free-Roman movement was Harvey Weinstein:

Film mogul Harvey Weinstein has got behind a campaign by French film-makers calling on US authorities not to extradite the Oscar-winning Polish director in connection with a charge of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor dating back more than three decades. 
Weinstein entered the fray at the personal behest of Cannes film festival director Thierry Fremaux and will now use his considerable influence and campaigning heft to enlist the support of Hollywood.
"We're calling on every film-maker we can to help fix this terrible situation," Weinstein said, reviving a theme he adopted earlier in the year after he bought international distribution rights at Sundance to the HBO documentary Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired.(3)

One film-maker who was outspoken in Polanski’s defense was the Swiss Otto Weisser:

“This is for me a shock. I am ashamed to be Swiss, that the Swiss is doing such a thing to brilliant fantastic genius, that millions and millions of people love his work," Weisser said upon learning the director had been detained by Swiss authorities. "He's a brilliant guy, and he made a little mistake 32 years ago. What a shame for Switzerland.”(4)

That foremost moral philosopher and legal theorist Woopi Goldberg asserted:

I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else, but I don't believe it was rape-rape.(5)

*

The Present:

MSNBC Cuts Ties With Sam Seder Over Roman Polanski Rape Joke(6)

Sam Seder is a comedian, writer, actor, film director, and television producer-director, who in 2009 sent out a tweet that read:

Don’t care re Polanski, but I hope if my daughter is ever raped it is by an older truly talented man w/a great sense of mise en scene.

That tweet, in which Seder reacted to the defense of Polanski by the celebs (e.g., Debra Winger, “We stand by him and await his release and his next masterpiece”), just happens to be a classic work of satire.

One of the devices that the satirist uses is irony, which is based on misdirection and hidden truth. In Socratic irony, for example, the ironist undervalues his own position (“I know nothing”), while in sarcasm the ironist overstates the value of the target (saying to someone tripping over his own feet: “Ah, here’s Fred Astaire"). The satirist can also—as in this case—pretend to accept the false valuation of the object of his satire in order to subvert it.

Seder used the argument of Polanski’s defenders to pretend to reconcile himself to an outrageous act on a family member. If the rape was perpetrated by anyone other than “an older truly talented man w/a great sense of mise en scene” it would presumably not be acceptable to the celebs. But as an act by “an older truly talented man w/a great sense of mise en scene” it will be—and Seder pretends to take his lead from the celebs’ judgment. 

Of course, the act was still—to use Woopi Goldberg’s unfelicitous words—“rape-rape.” By placing himself in the situation of a rape victim’s parent, Seder demanded that the defenders of Polanski imagine their own daughters in such a situation. They would have to shrug off the violation if they were to be consistent with their idea of the artist’s impunity—or like real-life parents demand that the perpetrator be brought to justice.

***

(1) https://www.forbes.com/sites/jenslaurson/2017/12/03/the-grand-moral-reckoning-classical-edition-james-levine-in-the-soup/#71f554f71d5b

(2) Kate Harding, https://www.salon.com/2009/09/28/polanski_arrest/

(3) https://www.theguardian.com/film/filmblog/2009/sep/28/roman-polanski-arrest-hollywood

(4) http://edition.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/09/29/hollywood.embraces.polanski/

(5) http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/roman-polanski/6245219/Roman-Polanski-backlash-as-Whoopi-Goldberg-says-director-didnt-commit-rape-rape.html

The Telegraph went on to list the following celebs as being among Polanski defenders: Martin Scorcese, David Lynch, Wim Wenders, Pedro Almodovar, Tilda Swinton, Debra Winger, Monica Bellucci. And Woody Allen!!!

(6) http://www.vulture.com/2017/12/msnbc-cuts-sam-seder-over-roman-polanski-rape-joke.html