Lovers and Losers (Part One)

A young actor, plucked from obscurity, is chosen to play Hamlet in a major new London production of Shakespeare’s tragedy. His director, knowing that the young actor will benefit from all the advice he can get, arranges an interview for him with Sir ____, the last of the great actor-managers, whose fame rests on his countless tours with his troupe, bringing the classics to regional theaters throughout Great Britain.
So, early one morning the young man boards a train to Leeds, where the grand old man of the theater is to play the title role in King Lear. Sir ____ is decidedly generous with his time, spending several hours describing his Hamlet experiences and answering the young actor’s questions. At last, Sir _____ gets up from his chair and begins to escort the other man to the door.
“You must excuse me,” the theatrical knight says, “but I must begin my preparations for this evening’s performance.”
“I want to thank you for your time and patience,” says the young man, “but, if you don’t mind, I do have one last, rather strange question. At any time during the course of the play, does Hamlet ever sleep with Ophelia?”
“Well,” answers Sir ____, “I can’t speak for London, but in the provinces, most definitely.”*

***

In actuality, from evidence in the play it is clear that Hamlet and Ophelia were never lovers. In Act II, Scene 1, Ophelia relates to her father, Polonius, the following appearance of Hamlet:

My lord, as I was sewing in my closet,
Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced;
No hat upon his head; his stockings foul'd,
Ungarter'd, and down-gyved to his ankle;
Pale as his shirt; his knees knocking each other;
And with a look so piteous in purport
As if he had been loosed out of hell
To speak of horrors,--he comes before me.

And what is Polonius’ response to this?

Mad for thy love?

Why is that Polonius’ instantaneous response?

Consider this excerpt from As You Like It (Act III, Scene 2), which was written at about the same time as Hamlet:

ROSALIND (disguised as Ganymed)
There is a man haunts the forest, that
abuses our young plants with carving 'Rosalind' on
their barks; hangs odes upon hawthorns and elegies
on brambles, all, forsooth, deifying the name of
Rosalind: if I could meet that fancy-monger I would
give him some good counsel, for he seems to have the
quotidian of love upon him.

ORLANDO
I am he that is so love-shaked: I pray you tell me
your remedy.

ROSALIND
There is none of my uncle's marks upon you: he
taught me how to know a man in love; in which cage
of rushes I am sure you are not prisoner.

ORLANDO
What were his marks?

ROSALIND
A lean cheek, which you have not, a blue eye and
sunken, which you have not, an unquestionable
spirit, which you have not, a beard neglected,
which you have not; but I pardon you for that, for
simply your having in beard is a younger brother's
revenue: then your hose should be ungartered, your
bonnet unbanded, your sleeve unbuttoned, your shoe
untied and every thing about you demonstrating a
careless desolation; but you are no such man; you
are rather point-device in your accoutrements as
loving yourself than seeming the lover of any other.

Rosalind’s description of “her uncle” is that of the classic picture of the courtly lover who has been rejected by the woman he is enamored with. Disconsolate, he has no concerns about his appearance or most anything else in the world.
And, it is clear, Rosalind’s description of the rejected lover fits Hamlet down to his socks. (Earlier in Hamlet, Polonius had ordered Ophelia to have nothing further to do with Hamlet, and the dutiful daughter obviously obeyed.)

Most people, I would guess, do not realize that before Romeo set eyes on Juliet, he was mooning over Rosaline.

Act I, Scene 1
BENVOLIO
What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?
ROMEO
Not having that, which, having, makes them short.
BENVOLIO
In love?
ROMEO
Out--
BENVOLIO
Of love?
ROMEO
Out of her favour, where I am in love.

And that exchange explains this description of his son’s behavior by Romeo’s father (also I,1):

Many a morning hath he there been seen,
With tears augmenting the fresh morning dew.
Adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs;
But all so soon as the all-cheering sun
Should in the furthest east begin to draw
The shady curtains from Aurora's bed,
Away from the light steals home my heavy son,
And private in his chamber pens himself,
Shuts up his windows, locks far daylight out
And makes himself an artificial night.

A few decades after Hamlet and AYLI, Sir John Suckling wrote the lines that best satirized the image of the disconsolate, disheveled rejected lover:

“Why so pale and wan fond lover?” (First two stanzas)

Why so pale and wan fond lover?
Prithee why so pale?
Will, when looking well can't move her,
Looking ill prevail?
Prithee why so pale?

Why so dull and mute young sinner?
Prithee why so mute?
Will, when speaking well can't win her,
Saying nothing do't?
Prithee why so mute?

***

*This joke I have retained in my memory for about half a century. As I recollect, I heard it on the Tonight Show when it was hosted by Jack Paar. I have always thought that it was told by the actor Laurence Harvey—but, then again, I have always associated the following joke with Harvey and the Tonight Show (so, after all this time, who knows who told what joke?):

A London bobby is given an unexpected half a day off.
He arrives home about mid-day to discover his wife in bed with three men.
“Allo! Allo! Allo! What’s all this then?”
The wife lifts herself up from the pillows and says, “What’s the matter? You not talking to me now?”