As followers of this blog will know, we have been lucky to have God as a sometime contributor. So when Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated Wednesday, “I think God calls all of us to fill different roles at different times and I think that he wanted Donald Trump to become president,” we decided to go to the source to fact-check that assertion.
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Us: Thank you for taking time from what must be an incredibly busy schedule to join us by phone.
God: Yes, it’s been a hectic few days (luckily I have been using Venus days to get things done—they’re 5,832 hours long). I’ve just gotten back from the far end of the universe where I’ve had to deal with a few black holes. Successfully, I’m happy to report.
Us: Great news. Anyway, God, the news here on planet Earth—which we wanted to ask you about—is the statement by White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders that you wanted Donald Trump to become president of the United States. Is that true?
God: Well, as you know, I have always been a great champion of the secret ballot, and so I don’t think anyone need reveal who he or she ever voted for. Now, in the case of the 2016 presidential election, however, I willingly reveal that I didn’t vote for anybody.
Us: Sorry, I can’t believe that you, ordinarily so responsible—even to rectifying black holes that exist beyond the beyond—would not cast a ballot in such an important election.
God: Wait just one minute! It wasn’t that I “would not” cast a ballot; it was the case that I “could not” cast a ballot.
Us: I don’t understand.
God: OK. Here’s what happened: when I presented myself at the polling place, they wouldn’t let me vote.
Us: They wouldn’t let you vote?
God: Right. They said I had to show a government-issued photo ID to vote, which, of course, I didn’t have. And which I have never needed in all my travels around the universe I myself created. If I were Zeus, I would just have leveled the officious fools with a lightning bolt or two. But that was then; this is now.
Us: So what did you do?
God: I just went home and made myself a cup of tea. I figured if that’s how they were going to cheat on their elections, they deserved whatever they got.
Now you’re going to have to excuse me, young man. I have to get back to work. It seems kvetchy old Saint Peter is complaining that the Pearly Gates are not strong enough to keep out those who don’t deserve to enter heaven. Muttering something about a wall. I might have to transfer him to one of those black holes. Ciao.
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