My New Job

I’m confident that I will be starting a new job soon.

Justice Stephen Breyer has announced that he is retiring from the highest judicial panel in the country. I have tossed my hat into the ring as a candidate for the position. 

I will explain below why I am confident that I will get the nod, but first let me go back in time. After I retired from college teaching at the end of 2000, I was content to sit back and perform no other job. But after some time passed, I began to get antsy. I had to do something. However, it seemed that the only job available was as a greeter at Walmart. My ego would not let me take that job; it would have been a great comedown after having achieved the highest academic rank of full professor. I needed something at the top of the heap.

On February 28, 2013, I saw my opportunity: Pope Benedict resigned as leader of the Catholic church. Surely, the Roman folks would recognize my great administrative skills—as exemplified by my terms as English Department chairman. 

Alas, it was not to be. The church’s cardinals elected Jorge Mario Bergoglio, an Argentine member of the Society of Jesus. While Bergoglio, I was sure, had fine credentials, I viewed his election as rank discrimination—specifically, ageism. Bergoglio was chosen because he was exactly four days younger than me! At first, I vowed to fight the appointment on the grounds of discrimination, but, after due consideration, I could not determine where to file my lawsuit; certainly, my case would have no standing in any United States jurisdiction, and fighting it in Vatican City seemed like a lost cause from the start. 

No other job opening appealed to me until Justice Breyer’s announcement. I should be a member of the Supreme Court. (I could explain why, but I am too modest to boast of my fairness and judgment.) I admit that at 85 years of age I am two years older than the retiring justice. However, by nominating me, President Biden would be striking a blow against the vicious bigotry of ageism. And for that reason alone, the world—and the Court—would be better places.

And I am ready to pay for my own robe!