We’re on a Zoom call with one of the shepherds who were guarding their flocks during the first Noël. Come join us.
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Us: Thank you, Mr. Shepherd, for . . .
Shepherd: Not “Mr. Shepherd.” The name is Second.
Us: I’m sorry, Mr. Second, I didn’t know.
Second: Surely you’ve hoid of me, though—The Second Shepherd’s Play; all you literary guys know about that.
Us: Oh, right. Anyway, could you tell the audience a little bit about that night of the first Noël?
Second: Yeah sure. Me and my buddies First and Third were huddled around the fire—it was bleedin’ cold—when First pointed off to the East and said, “What in hell is that?” And Third stood up, looked hard, and said, “Thems camels.” “Camels?” I yelled at him. “What the hell do you know about camels? You never seed one.” “Yeah,” he said, “but I seed a pitcher of them on the ‘net. Thems camels all right.”
Well, I was curious all right, cause I ain’t never seed one before neither myself. So I said to First and Third, “Watch my sheeps. I’m gonna follow them camels and see what it’s all about.”
Luckily they wuz moving very slowly, so it really wuz no problem following them on foot. They finally slowed to a stop just outside of Bethlehem, where there wuz a barn-like building. I could hear a lot of screaming from inside the barn—or whatever it wuz. A woman was yelling, “Get that beastly little brat with the drum outta here! He’s waking the baby!”
Then the riders got down from the camels and I could see what kinds of people they wuz. Two of them had crowns of their heads—like king crowns—but the third one had a schmatte on.
And the two king guys went into the barn thing and laid gifts in front of the baby (who was still crying because of that dumb kid). They gave him gold and frankincense.
Us: And myrrh. Gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Three kings, three gifts.
Second: Wuz you there, Charlie? It was two kings—gold and frankincense.
Us: But tradition . . .
Second: Tradition hoid wrong. They hoid “Gold, frankincense, and myrrh.” But it was “Gold, frankincense, and Murray.”
Us: “Murray”????
Second: Yeah. Murray was the guy with the schmatte on his head. He supplied the camels.
Us: I don’t know what to say.
Second: Don’t say nuthin’. My beeper just went off. Stupid Bo Peep has lost her sheeps again, and I gotta help her find them. Shalom.
It's been a very long time since I heard someone refer to "Was you dere, Charlie..." that reference is almost as old as the story you're telling...
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