We are honored today having the first President of the United States, George Washington, visiting our office.
Us: Mr. President . . .
GW: Stop! Since I am no longer President—and haven’t been for a long time—I do not use that title. People call me “General.”
Us: Understood. What brings you to town today, General?
GW: Dentistry. I’m hoping that modern dentistry will relieve me of the problems I have with the wooden teeth I have now.
Us: You appreciate modern dentistry?
GW: As I understand it. I also hear good things about modern surgery—use of anesthesia to combat pain—but I’m not willing to have a part of my body sawn off just to test the theory.
Us: What is the biggest change in the country from the time of your term in office that you have noticed?
GW: “Big” is the right word. We were just a measly thirteen former colonies, and now America has fifty states—including one in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
Us: What do you think about the suggestion that Canada should be the fifty-first?
GW: Never! A bunch of Tories! They had their chance to be part of our cause back in ‘seventy-six, but they skedaddled north of the border.
Us: Speaking of ‘seventy-six and the Revolutionary War, did you parade the troops after the victory at Yorktown?
GW: Not at all. We told the boys, “The war’s over. Go home.” The British and the Hessians liked to parade. Americans want to go home.
Us: Our present President has been selling all sorts of merchandise while in office—sneakers, bibles, and now cell phones. Did you ever avail yourself of the opportunity to cash in on your name—with say Washington tricorn hats or Washington cherry trees?
GW: What a disgraceful idea. A lowering of the most important office in the land to the hustling of a huckster. Never!
Us: Thank you for your time, General. One last question: a lot of hotels and inns have advertised that “George Washington slept here.” Is that true?
GW: Shh. Don’t tell Martha.
Us: Goodbye, General.
GW: Goodbye. (Whispering) Do you want to buy a bridge?
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