Several decades ago, Mel Brooks appeared on William B. Williams’ radio show on WNEW New York. Brooks regaled Williams and his listeners with the story of the Resurrecting Rabbi.*
I will give a rendition of the tale—unfortunately without Brooks’ Yiddish accent and shtick.
A very wealthy Jewish man dies suddenly. His family had heard of a Resurrecting Rabbi living in Vilnius, Lithuania, and so they hire a private jet to rush said Rabbi to the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
The Rabbi arrives at an apartment filled with people who want to behold the miracle. He goes into the bedroom where the deceased is laid out and begins to daven. “Baruch etc.etc yada yada . . . (imagine Brooks doing this). Morris Reshevsky, listen unto me. Arise ye now from this bed and join your family and friends. Baruch etc etc yada yada. Sit up now!”
Nothing.
“Too many people in the room. Only the close family.”
The friends and neighbors file out.
“Morris Reshevky! [Davens] Baruch yada yada etc etc. Hear this: ye are to arise from the bed, return to life, and have a glass tea with your loved ones. At the count of three. One. Two. Three. Arise now!”
Nothing.
The Rabbi shrugs his shoulder. “Now that’s what I call dead.”
*
The New York Times printed a front page today with the names of 1,000 of the 100,000 American victims of the coronavirus. No Resurrecting Rabbi can bring any of them back to life. They are what you call “dead.”
*
Almost since the peril of the virus to human life became apparent, shtarkers have been volunteering others to face the dangers lurking out in the world. An early recruit to shtarkerdom (almost exactly two months ago) was the lieutenant governor of Texas,** Dan Patrick.
Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick (R) seems to think that if given the choice, Americans 70 and over would be willing to risk getting coronavirus and possibly dying if it means stores re-open and the economy rebounds.***
The chorus of shtarker voices has only grown louder over the past months. “Yeah, people will die—but the economy will live!”
I’m waiting for the shtarkers to man up and say, “Me, Sarge. I’ll go first. I’m willing to die so the economy may live.” Rather, they’re like their leader, who was spurred to take to his heels during the Viet Nam war.
Oh, the economy won’t die. Even on life support, it will be fed intravenously by Treasury bailouts.
The shtarkers can rest comfortably behind their desks. No way they’re delivering groceries or flipping hamburgers.
They are proof of the truth of the old song: “Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.”
***
* I may have the only tape of the tale in existence. Now, if I could only find it . . . .
** What qualification do you need to be lieutenant governor of Texas?
Answer: An IQ equal to that of a rock.
What qualification do you need to be governor of Texas?
Answer: An IQ just slightly higher than that of a rock.
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