Alas!
Sometime during the past 75 years I lost my secret decoder ring—the one I got by sending in a cereal boxtop and 25 cents. That is why I am totally lost when faced with headlines like this one from New York magazine:
Can LVP Still Be an MVP After RHOBH
*
I quite honestly admit that when it comes to modern pop culture I am low man on the totem pole. I know nothing. I am sure that there are millions who swallowed this New York headline
Megan Thee Stallion Calls Out DaBaby for Tory Lanez Retweet
as if it were mother’s milk.
And that there were millions more who were enthralled by this Glamour article:
Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry’s Complete Relationship Timeline
I didn’t even know they were a thing—whoever the hell they are.
Well, now I know they were a thing.
*
I read a little while ago on Yahoo,
Everyone is Still Grasping Jonathan Scott Tragedy
Jonathan Finally Speaks Up About The Break Up Between Him and Jacinta.
Actually, the headline should have read, “Everyone minus one . . . ,” because I wasn’t grasping or gawping or screaming or crying. Because once again, who the hell are those people?
Here’s the crazy thing: I have no idea who they are, but I now know that they broke up. The news finally trickled down to the low man on the totem pole. And if I know—everyone knows!
*
Now, class, if you’re still awake, we come to the main point of this exercise.
The QAnon conspiracy theory is vast, complicated and ever changing, and its adherents are constantly folding new events and personalities into its master narrative. But the gist of it is that national Democrats, aided by Hollywood and a group of “global elites”, are running a massive ring devoted to the abduction, trafficking, torture, sexual abuse and cannibalization of children, all with the purpose of fulfilling the rituals of their Satanic faith.*
This alleged vast “conspiracy” has been reported upon by many media outlets. Thus, we can say that the “conspiracy” is no secret. Everyone—even low man on the totem pole, me—has heard and/or read about it. Which means not only the crazies of the batshit right, but also police chiefs, attorneys general, district attorneys, the FBI, and other law enforcement agencies. It doesn’t take too many brain cells to imagine that some avid crime fighter, having become cognizant of this pedophilic conspiracy, would be right now up to his eyebrows in subpoenas for the miscreants—if there was anything there.
But not a whisper of action.
One is reminded of the Comet Ping Pong “Pizzagate” fiasco. On December 4, 2016, Edgar Maddison Welch, a nutjob from North Carolina walked into the above-cited pizza joint carrying a loaded AR-15 assault weapon, shot a few rounds into a door, and proceeded to search for the basement dungeon where satanic pedophile rituals led by Hillary Clinton took place.**
If Welch had half a brain, he would have remained in the Tarheel State saying to himself, “If a schmuck like me knows all about this satanic cabal, then everyone knows about it.” And he could have settled back on his haunches, feeling secure in the knowledge that at least one of the lawmen above him on the totem pole (sensing massive headlines) would have dealt with such alleged abuses.
*
Today on New York magazine webpage:
Orlando Bloom Thinks His Wives Are the ‘Cutest’
Now I know everything!
***
* https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/sep/20/qanon-conspiracy-child-abuse-truth-trump
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