Twenty Additional Aphorisms

Excess of moderation is also a fanaticism.

Beware of enterprises requiring new locution.

What would a needle be doing in a haystack?

It doesn’t need any brain function to move one’s mouth.

Chickens have enough problems crossing roads. They don’t have time to debate precedence with eggs.

If we all cultivated our own gardens, who would we sell the excess produce to?

He who had the last laugh had to have the joke explained to him.

Multitasking is nature’s way of allowing you to screw up more than one thing at a time.

If the lion promises not to eat me, I will promise not eat the lion.

A smart thief knows when to steal away.

So many gurus; so much folly.

Tell a person your secret, and you are forever at his mercy.

Be thankful for loss of faith. Now you can judge the world anew.

A ringing telephone is a question.

Putting the cart before the horse makes the horse happy.

Is a return ticket optimism or despair?

One should have a set routine, but a simple one. Like getting out of bed before showering.

If you want someone killed, do it yourself. Hiring an assassin is an act of cowardice.

The fool thinks the knave a fool. The knave thinks the fool a knave.

Self-control is merely a respite between indulgences.

Twenty More Aphorisms

Birth is showtime without a script.

A follower of fashion is always behind.

A simple betrayal. No simple forgiveness.

Who is a dog’s best friend?

God is not omniscient. He neglected to provide chairs for those who only stand and wait.

Death cancels your credit cards.

What has an elephant done that’s worth remembering?

The value of the persistence is proportional to the virtue of the undertaking.

Always face up to a backstabber.

A stopped clock is right twice a day, but its owner doesn’t know when.

Taking one step backward in order to take two steps forward does not work if you’re standing at the edge of a cliff.

That the astronauts didn’t encounter him doesn’t mean the man in the moon isn’t there.

The heart doesn’t have its reasons. It is a pump.

Over time, patience is surrender.

Fast food has taught us to be civilized and eat with our fingers.

If that stock is as good as you say, why aren’t you keeping it for yourself?

The best time to be late is for your execution.

The words “I truly believe” should precipitate a run for the exit.

Gravity is not to be argued with.

Your doppelgänger is having a better time than you.

Twenty Aphorisms

One of my literary idols is François de La Rochefoucauld, the renowned author of many famous maxims. Perhaps his most famous--and my favorite--is "We all have enough strength to endure the misfortunes of others."*

Blame James Geary for this post. I have been reading Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists, which has led me down this path.

***

He who buries his treasures needs a good memory.

If you miss the boat, don’t try to swim.

Never trust the judgment of a man who looks in the mirror and doesn’t laugh.

The power of a simple “no” is vitiated when followed by a complex explanation.

It is difficult to be thankful for a gift horse if you don’t have a stable.

If they do one thing, they’re bound to do another.

A moment of doubt calls into question a lifetime of belief.

If all occupations were self-regulated, planes would fall from the skies.

No philosophy is sound that can’t be lived.

The longest journey ends with a single step.

Only a fool needs a horoscope to tell him when to travel.

Hope is for losers.

A shallow man can harbor no deep secrets.

A straight line is the shortest distance between two points. Unfortunately, the landscape seldom obliges.

Why should I believe what you profess today—when you didn’t believe it yesterday, and won’t believe it tomorrow.

Once is a favor. Twice is an obligation.

The problem with the future is that it isn’t past.

A job not worth doing is not worth doing well.

The opera is over when the fat lady takes a curtain call.

An ace up your sleeve is no good if you’re playing chess.

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*Usually rendered, "We all have enough strength to bear the misfortunes of others."

But I think bear can be ambiguous here. So I prefer endure.