Hair Today

Didn’t sleep a wink last night. Tossed and turned. And about 3 AM, had a vision float into my head: Donald Trump with a completely bald head. Shaved clean, shiny, without a hair in sight.

Gone was the edifice of cotton candy pulled left, shoved right, waved backwards, coaxed forwards. Trump has been to l'art de la coiffure what the Wonderbra was to bosoms. But, apparently, no longer.

Instead, he was joining ranks of Mark Messier, Michael Jordan, Mahatma Gandhi, Telly Savalas—and also a true plutocrat, Daddy Warbucks, who could become a new father figure to Donald.  

Warbucks was “an industrialist, but became a philanthropist as well—his fortune had built to ‘ten zillion dollars.’”* There is no evidence, however, that he set up a phony charitable foundation. And he did have a concern about the plight of one orphan child. One cannot imagine Warbucks leaving Annie stranded at the border. So, maybe not a daddy to Donny.

As for the others as clean-headed mentors: Donald as a selflessness Gandhi? It is to laugh. And since he couldn’t shoot a roundball like Michael or a frozen puck like Mark, they’re out. Maybe the best bet would be for him to take after Kojak—and suck lollipops.

Arf!

***

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daddy_Warbucks

News of the Day 6/27

Airline Sued Over Animal Rebuff

“Emotional Support Animal” Kicked Off Vegas Flight 

An Armonk, New York man has filed suit against FliHi Airways, claiming he was discriminated against when he was not allowed to board flight 1820 to Las Vegas on Monday with his emotional support animal, Maizie. Justin Prestidigitalis claims that gate personal stopped him and Maizie from boarding, despite having a legitimate ticket and pre-assigned seat. 

“I saw other passengers—one with a gerbil and another with a rabbit—pass through the gate with no hassle,” Prestidigitalis said at a news conference held at the office of his attorney, Noah Dark. 

Prestidigitalis explained that he acquired Maizie on the advice of his psychotherapist after suffering a severe anxiety attack last February during the written portion of the New York State driver’s license examination. Since then, he says, he has experienced no further episodes with Maizie by his side.

Prestidigitalis, a 20-year-old professional gamer who goes by the screen name Crudekill1836, was attempting to fly to Las Vegas, NV to participate in the Zombieoffcon annual tournament this coming weekend. “Last year I finished 12th without any emotional support, and expected to do much better this year with Maizie there with me,” Prestidigitalis said. “I hope I can get my entrance fee back. Otherwise, I’ll add it to my suit for damages against the airline.”

Next month Prestidigitalis intends to compete in the Summer Dragonslaycon in Washington, DC. “With Maizie by my side,” Prestidigitalis said, “I expect to finish in the top 5.” 

“And this time we’re going by Amtrak.”

Maizie

Twenty More Aphorisms

Birth is showtime without a script.

A follower of fashion is always behind.

A simple betrayal. No simple forgiveness.

Who is a dog’s best friend?

God is not omniscient. He neglected to provide chairs for those who only stand and wait.

Death cancels your credit cards.

What has an elephant done that’s worth remembering?

The value of the persistence is proportional to the virtue of the undertaking.

Always face up to a backstabber.

A stopped clock is right twice a day, but its owner doesn’t know when.

Taking one step backward in order to take two steps forward does not work if you’re standing at the edge of a cliff.

That the astronauts didn’t encounter him doesn’t mean the man in the moon isn’t there.

The heart doesn’t have its reasons. It is a pump.

Over time, patience is surrender.

Fast food has taught us to be civilized and eat with our fingers.

If that stock is as good as you say, why aren’t you keeping it for yourself?

The best time to be late is for your execution.

The words “I truly believe” should precipitate a run for the exit.

Gravity is not to be argued with.

Your doppelgänger is having a better time than you.

Twenty Aphorisms

One of my literary idols is François de La Rochefoucauld, the renowned author of many famous maxims. Perhaps his most famous--and my favorite--is "We all have enough strength to endure the misfortunes of others."*

Blame James Geary for this post. I have been reading Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists, which has led me down this path.

***

He who buries his treasures needs a good memory.

If you miss the boat, don’t try to swim.

Never trust the judgment of a man who looks in the mirror and doesn’t laugh.

The power of a simple “no” is vitiated when followed by a complex explanation.

It is difficult to be thankful for a gift horse if you don’t have a stable.

If they do one thing, they’re bound to do another.

A moment of doubt calls into question a lifetime of belief.

If all occupations were self-regulated, planes would fall from the skies.

No philosophy is sound that can’t be lived.

The longest journey ends with a single step.

Only a fool needs a horoscope to tell him when to travel.

Hope is for losers.

A shallow man can harbor no deep secrets.

A straight line is the shortest distance between two points. Unfortunately, the landscape seldom obliges.

Why should I believe what you profess today—when you didn’t believe it yesterday, and won’t believe it tomorrow.

Once is a favor. Twice is an obligation.

The problem with the future is that it isn’t past.

A job not worth doing is not worth doing well.

The opera is over when the fat lady takes a curtain call.

An ace up your sleeve is no good if you’re playing chess.

***

*Usually rendered, "We all have enough strength to bear the misfortunes of others."

But I think bear can be ambiguous here. So I prefer endure.

I've Pledged Already, Thank You

                                                 

                                              R. Taylor, The New Yorker, June 4, 1960

*

Does one imagine that the next day the couple—with or without giggling—plighted their troths again? 

Silly to ask, you say?

*

I bring this up as a back-door way to get around to discussing today’s “Knickers-in-a-Twist” winner, Kristy Swanson. Ms. Swanson, an alleged actress, tweeted (don’t they ever stop?) about a teacher who apparently doesn’t stand during the daily recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance.* Quelle horreur! Even worse, that teacher told the students that they didn’t have to stand either if they didn’t want to. 

Well, untwist your underpants, Ms. actress, for the teacher, opting out, is doing that most American of things: exercising his/her freedom of speech. And students don't have to recite it, because forcing them to violates the First Amendment, which protects free speech. 

If there is any fixed star in our constitutional constellation, it is that no official, high or petty, can prescribe what shall be orthodox in politics, nationalism, religion, or other matters of opinion, or force citizens to confess by word or act their faith therein.         Justice Robert Jackson, writing in the majority decision in West Virginia State Board of Education v. Barnette.**

Despite the Supreme Court ruling, there is nothing some people love more than dragooning others into a conforming loyalism—and somehow that show of loyalty always happens to coincide with what the dragooners believe. (I wrote about this three years ago.***) 

It is quite curious to me that the nation managed to exist for over a hundred years before the Pledge of Allegiance was thrust upon its citizens in 1892. And even more curious to me is the fact that the Republic survived more than another half-century before God was shoe-horned into the mix in 1954.

*

To return to our starting point—the newly-weds—with a philosophical question: at what point does reciting one’s marriage vows become redundant? Or, to focus on our main topic: how many times does one have to pledge a pledge?

For me, having once pledged my allegiance, I stand by that pledge, until such time as I renounce that pledge or pledge loyalty to another flag.

***

* ttps://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/kristy-swanson-pledge-of-allegiance-154840747.html

** https://www.cnn.com/2019/02/19/us/pledge-of-allegiance-explainer-trnd/index.html

*** https://drnormalvision.blogspot.com/2016/08/up-flagpole.html

Kris Crossed

Kris Kringle—also known as Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Papá Noel, Père Noël—comes around one day a year, traveling by sleigh. He brings gifts for young and old that are generally appreciated (except for the odd “That tie is positively ugly”). By his example of generous gift giving, he has inspired people to do the same, thereby boosting both the local and national economies.

Need we point out that he is one of the most beloved—if, unfortunately, imaginary--figures in many cultures (as his many names indicate).

*

Another Kris, the unimaginary Kris Kobach—hereafter to be known as “The Knob”—is, unfortunately, with us all year round. He attended Harvard and received a law degree from Yale.(1) After losing attempts to gain a seat in either the Kansas state or national legislature, he finally found a job he could be elected to—Kansas secretary of state. The job consisted mostly of paper-pushing, such as regulating including sports agents, trade unions, cemeteries, and funeral homes.(2)

Obviously, sniffing around graveyards and funeral homes was not going to raise the heartbeat of The  Knob, Ivy League striver. So he latched onto another paper-pushing aspect of the secretary’s job: administering elections and voter registration throughout the state. In that role, he mounted his Rocinante and ventured out to tilt against the windmills of voter fraud. His quest was summed up perfectly in this sub-head of a Bloomberg article: 

Wild goose chases, phony accusations, imaginary threats: Nice work if you're Kansas's secretary of state.(3)

Another headline:

Judge Tosses Kansas' Proof-Of-Citizenship Voter Law And Rebukes Sec. Of State Kobach(4)

In that federal court case, The Knob—forgetting the old adage that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client—was, besides being the loser in the case, sharply rebuked by the judge:

Chief District Judge Julie A. Robinson sanctioned Kobach — who led President Trump's voter fraud commission— by ordering him to take a legal class on the rules of evidence or procedure. 

So much for a Yale Law School education!

*

Unfortunately, as I said above, unlike Kris Kringle, Kris The Knob is with us all year round, showing up in the most astonishing places. The latest sighting found him stuffing papers into an envelope to be delivered to the Grifter-in-Chief; it was an application to join the grifter mob as immigration czar. Actually, in addition to an application, this political loser(5) included a list of demands:

Kris Kobach’s Conditions for Becoming Immigration Czar

Mr. Kobach submitted the following list of demands during discussions for an administration post.

• 1. Office in the West Wing.
• 2. Walk-in privileges with the president.
• 3. Assistant to the President rank - at highest pay level for WH senior staff.
• 4. Staff of 7 people (2 attorneys, 2 research analysts, 1 scheduler, 1 media person, 1 assistant).
• 5. POTUS sits down individually with Czar and the secretaries of Homeland Security, Defense, Justice, Ag, Interior, and Commerce, and tells each of the Secretaries to follow the directives of the Czar without delay, subject to appeal to the President in cases of disagreement.
• 6. 24/7 access to either a DHS or DOD jet. Czar must be on the border every week.
• 7. Ability to spend weekends in KS with family on way from border back to DC, unless POTUS needs Czar elsewhere.
• 8. Security detail if deemed necessary after security review.
• 9. Serve as the face of Trump immigration policy - the principal spokesman on television and in the media.
• 10. Promise that by November 1, 2019, the president will nominate Kris Kobach to be DHS Secretary, unless Kobach wishes to continue in Czar position.(6) 

*

Amazing, wouldn’t you say? Even outdoing the other grifters with their dining tables and telephone booths—“24/7 access to either a DHS or DOD jet,” anyone?

Old Kris Kringle, who brings joy each year, somehow manages with a sleigh propelled by some Arctic fauna. 

Hey, Knob! You’re not in Kansas anymore!

***

(1) Now, really, how many knobs, beside The Knob, have graduated from these places and infiltrated into our lives, government, and culture?

(2) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_of_State_of_Kansas

(3) https://www.bloomberg.com/opinion/articles/2018-03-09/kris-kobach-s-voter-fraud-failure-is-on-trial-in-kansas

(4) https://www.npr.org/2018/06/19/621304260/judge-tosses-kansas-proof-of-citizenship-voter-law-and-rebukes-sec-of-state-koba

(5) 

https://ballotpedia.org/Kris_Kobach 

(6) https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/20/us/politics/kris-kobach-trump.html

Death Un-Donne

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee 

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so . . .

John Donne

How right was the great poet, and it was shown the other day. Death—mighty and dreadful though it appears to be—will be obliterated by a stroke of the pen:

E.P.A. Plans to Get Thousands of Deaths Off the Books by Changing Its Math                   NY Times*

According to the story, the Trump Environmental Protection Agency (an oxymoron, if ever there was one) will finagle some figures to make it seem that “the 1,400 additional premature deaths per year that the E.P.A. had initially forecast as a result of eliminating the old climate change regulation” will not occur. 

Take that, old Grim Reaper! The sleight of hand of a new modeling method will foil you.

The Times continues:

The new modeling method, which experts said has never been peer-reviewed and is not scientifically sound, would most likely be used by the Trump administration to defend further rollbacks of air pollution rules if it is formally adopted.  But the proposed change is unusual because it relies on unfounded medical assumptions and discards more than a decade of peer-reviewed E.P.A. methods for understanding the health hazards linked to the fine particulate matter produced by burning fossil fuels.

*

Today in my mailbox the daily Pacific Standard newsletter contained two links to stories relevant to the ongoing pollution crisis. The first story tells of the dangerous levels of air pollution in Mexico City, which have caused authorities in Mexico City to declare 

an environmental emergency on Tuesday after pollution reached potentially hazardous levels. . . .
On Thursday, the Mexican government took steps to limit residents' exposure by closing primary schools and limiting public works projects, according to the [Washington] Post. Authorities advised parents to close windows and keep children indoors.**

 The second article is even scarier. The headline reads:

AIR POLLUTION MAY NEGATIVELY AFFECT 'EVERY ORGAN' IN THE HUMAN BODY

The sub-head explains:

A new report finds that inhaling air pollution doesn't just impact the heart and lungs: It can damage all parts of the body, and cause or worsen diseases.***

The article notes that in addition the damage caused to the heart and lungs, pollution also causes damage to “the brain, bladder, and skin” and that various other health conditions “such as diabetes, dementia, cancer, and brittle bones, may be caused or worsened by air pollution as well.”

***

So you may experience everything from rashes to tumors, but never fear: the E.P.A. has you covered. In the US, at least, you won’t die because of pollution. Maybe in Mexico—but then again, when did Trump ever care about Mexicans?

***

      * https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/20/climate/epa-air-pollution-deaths.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage

     

      ** https://psmag.com/news/hazardous-levels-of-pollution-in-mexico-city-in-photos?      utm_source=Pacific+Standard&utm_campaign=eb3d4ebec4-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2019_05_20_05_39&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_a4fd1bcb7e-eb3d4ebec4-76426913

      *** https://psmag.com/news/air-pollution-may-negatively-affect-every-organ-in-the-human-body?utm_source=Pacific+Standard&utm_campaign=eb3d4ebec4-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2019_05_20_05_39&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_a4fd1bcb7e-eb3d4ebec4-76426913

Also here: 

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/ng-interactive/2019/may/17/air-pollution-may-be-damaging-every-organ-and-cell-in-the-body-finds-global-review