Nefarious Landslides

Us: Today at DRNORMALVISION we welcome Mr. Willard Bunckhorne, of the NRA.

WB: Thank you.

Us: Your exact title is Assistant Executive Director of Media Relations and you are based in Louisville, Kentucky; is that right?

WB: Correct.

Us: What brings you to the New York area?

WB: The NRA decided to hold an emergency meeting to address the events at the Covenant School in Nashville.

Us: The shootings.

WB: Er, correct.

Us: Is it usual for the NRA to hold an emergency meeting after mass shootings? Did the NRA hold one in 2015 after the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church murders?

WB: No. Them’s Blacks.

Us: How about in 2018 after the shooting at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh?

WB: No. Them’s Jews.

Us: The Pulse nightclub in Orlando?

WB: Them’s gays.

Us: The Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas?

WB: Them’s Latins.

Us: The Star Ballroom Dance Studio in Monterey Park, California?

WB: Them’s Chinese.

Us: So, if you didn’t feel the need to hold a special meeting over any of those previous shootings, why now? What is the difference?

WB: The Covenant School—them’s Christians. Something had to be done.

Us: So what did the meeting do?

WB: We reiterated our belief that guns don’t kill people. And we will mobilize to inform the country of what really is to blame for people getting killed.

Us: Like what?

WB: Doors—school side doors. That was pointed out by former FBI agent Nicole Parker on Fox News. “That seems to be a common pattern in many of these shootings, a side door,” she said. 

Us: Anything else?

WB: Yes. Solar panels.

Us: Solar panels are to blame for mass murders?

WB: In a way, yes. Sen. Mike Rounds said that money allocated to installing solar panels in schools could be diverted for security. So, security is compromised by using the money for solar panels.

Us: But still, guns kill people.

WB: Listen. On the same day that six people were killed at the Covenant School, a landslide in Ecuador killed at least 14 people with 67 still missing. That’s 81 people—13 and 1/2 times the number killed in Nashville. At our emergency meeting we drew up model legislation (which we are hoping that Marjorie Taylor Greene will introduce in Congress) that would ban landslides in the United States. Landslides kill people!

Us: And that’s your last word?

WB: No. Looking at my cell phone, I just came across this headline:

Nikki Haley wants to ban TikTok, not guns

That’s my last word.

Us: Before you leave, what do the initials NRA stand for?

WB: “No Reality Assessment.”