God Knows

Representative Mike Johnson of Louisiana has just been elected (by Republican votes) as the new Speaker of the House of Representatives. Shortly after the vote, Johnson made some pronouncements about the deity that seemed to us here at Drnormalvision to be problematic, and so we turned to the one source who could clear up our confusion: We got God on the phone.

* 

God: “Hello, God here.”

Us: “Hi, God, it’s the gang at Drnormalvision. We wonder if you could enlighten us about the election of the new Speaker of the House.”

God: “The election of what?”

Us: “Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States Congress.”

God: “Never heard of it. Is it important?”

Us: “Well, we think it is.”

God: “OK, then, tell me about it.”

Us: “After members of the Republican Party sabotaged the original Speaker and made three failed attempts to elect another, the Party chose Mike Johnson of Louisiana.”

God: “OK, I follow you so far, but where do I come in to this?”

Us: “Well, Mike Johnson claimed that you are ‘the one that raises up those in authority.’ Which implies that he was your chosen one to be Speaker of the House.”

God: “That’s a good one! I never heard of him.”

Us: “Let me quote his exact words:

‘I don’t believe there are any coincidences in a manner like this. I believe that Scripture, the Bible is very clear that God is the one that raises up those in authority. He raised up each of you, all of us. And I believe that God has ordained and allowed each one of us to be brought here for this specific moment in this time. This is my belief. I believe that each one of us has a huge responsibility today, to use the gifts that God has given us to serve the extraordinary people of this great country, and they deserve it.’”

God: “And who was he referring to when he said I ‘ordained and allowed each one of us to be brought here for this specific moment in this time’?”

Us: “I imagine Jim Jordan, Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor Greene, among others.”

God: “I never heard of any of them. So how could I ‘ordain’ them?”

Us: “You never heard of them? How about Mike Johnson?”

God: “Also, as I said before, never heard of him.”

Us: “Is that so?”

God: “Would I lie?” 

It's All Right, Ma, . . .

. . . It’s Only Juden

On October 7, armed homicidal Hamas terrorists attacked the Tribe of Nova music festival in Israel. They killed at least 260 attendees. 

It would be nice to be able to say that the massacre evoked universal condemnation. Unfortunately, that is not possible. While there has been a great outcry against the perpetrators of the act, some groups have found it a perfect occasion to celebrate the cause that the murderers espoused. Here’s a “die-in” staged at Harvard University:

While the protesters held signs bewailing the loss of Palestinian lives, the fact that the initiators of the conflict were Palestinians and that the victims of the massacre were Jews was (not so) mysteriously omitted.     

 

*

Almost exactly six years ago, on October 1, 2017, another attack on a music festival occurred. Shots rained down on the Route 91 Harvest country music festival in Las Vegas, Nevada. The perpetrator, Stephen Paddock, ensconced in a room high up in the Mandalay Bay Hotel, fired more than 1,000 rounds into the 22,000-person crowd. Sixty people were killed and more than 800 wounded.

Paddock died of a self-inflicted gunshot. He left no message behind explaining his actions. The Clark County Sheriff stated,

"What we have been able to answer are the questions of who, what, when, where and how... what we have not been able to definitively answer is why Stephen Paddock committed this act.”^*

*

Stephen Paddock’s Mistake

Half-a-dozen years after his infamous act, Stephen Paddock’s name does not rest on the tip of anybody’s tongue. Unlike, say, Confederate sympathizer John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of Abraham Lincoln, who is remembered in history, Paddock espoused no cause when he unleashed death from his hotel window. If Paddock had left behind a statement supporting—or denouncing—some cause or other, his name would probably be celebrated by Harvard students at an annual die-in. Instead, those students have to settle for the Hamas assassins and their crimson bloodshed.  

***

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_Las_Vegas_shooting

Language Follies 7

No Valentines

The National Hockey League season started a week ago Tuesday and that means—more weird advertisements on the rinks’ boards. Wednesday saw what just might be the highlight of the season: in Calgary, Alberta, a law firm claimed to be “Lawyers You’ll Love.” An outpouring of valentines is—to my mind at least—quite unlikely.

Panic Stations

Sportsnet.ca had the following headline on Thursday, Oct. 12: 

The Edmonton Oilers lost their opening game of the season—and had only 81 more to play. Keep away from open windows, folks!

But lest you think that winning their opening game brings blue skies, bright sunshine, and flowers, here’s another headline at Sportsnet:

The 'what-ifs' for the Toronto Maple Leafs after one single game

What The New Yorker used to call “The Omnipotent Whom”

In related news: The elite law firm Davis Polk rescinded job offers for students whom it believed led organizations that signed statements blaming Israel for the Hamas attacks — but said it was reconsidering some of those decisions.

(NY Times newsletter)

Like the Dodo

Remember Pontiac motor cars? In their later days they advertised their vehicles thusly:

We Build Excitement

Maybe if they concentrated on building cars, they might still be in business.

How Many Fingers?

In last night’s Los Angeles Kings hockey game, one of the advertisements on the sideboards read:

LA Restaurant Week

Oct. 6-20

Best Advice?

One of the features of modern food packaging is a picture of the product with the caption “Serving Suggestion.” That makes perfect sense if you are depicting your crackers with a lump of beluga on it. Be aware, patron, there’s only a bunch of wafers in the tube. 

But somehow I have to think that the “serving suggestion” on the following panel on a package of tea bags is the most helpful advice of all:

After all, what use is hot tea without a cup?