Language Follies 3

We start off today with a major award: the George Orwell Euphemism Prize.

It goes to the university where I spent a third of the 20th century teaching: New Jersey City University.

Although I’m sure that cause-and-effect is not at play here, the fact remains that in the two decades since I retired, the school has plunged into massive debt (even taking into account that my monstrous salary was taken off the books). So, the school has announced that action will be taken to stabilize the ship: it will be “rightsizing.” 

That is, NJCU will be firing staff. 

And what can be wrong when you are doing “right”?

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Now for some food shopping.

Can you imagine a more delicious way to expire than to munch some Tombstone Pizza?

Want some deli? Super Fresh supermarket offers this MOTO (Master of the Obvious) aviso in its weekly circular:

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Are you “everybody”? Don’t you just love those ads that claim that “everybody” is buying this or that? Here’s a variation:

The Canned Tuna Every Family Is Switching To

Now, if ever I was blessed (or is it cursed?) to be a member of the management team for the advancement of this particular brand of canned tuna, I would raise my hand at the next meeting and venture to suggest that the company could save money by not advertising the product. After all, if “Every Family” is switching to our fish, all we’d have to do is wait and we’d have the market to ourselves without the need to spend even a dime more. History is on our side! 

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What’s in your mailbox? Mine is filled six days a week with appeals from charitable organizations for some of my hoard of gelt. What most of the envelopes contain is something like this:

An offer for a “free gift.” Which qualifies as this post’s Tautology Award.

Aren't gifts by definition “free”? Would you spring for an "unfree gift"?

Anyway, I am a sucker for good deeds and have responded with a check to many of the appeals: environmental, medical, humanitarian. And as a result, I have accumulated a load of “free gifts.”

                                                            

                                             Don't forget the hats!

Amazing, though, how many hundreds of dollars these “free gifts” have cost me.