Language Follies 8

 “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds . . .”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

*

It would have been more correct for Emerson to have stated,  “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of some little minds . . .” As evidence I call to the witness stand Marjorie Taylor Greene. 

In a recently published book, filled with “[v]enom, score-settling, fiction, self-absolution, self-aggrandizement,” according to the Guardian UK, (1) Representative Greene demonstrates that her little mind is consistency-free. On the one hand, she claims that “Democrats abandoned the House chamber to the rioters and exited without resistance, in contrast to brave, gun-toting Republicans”; on the other hand, she asserts that “innocent conservatives and MAGA  grandmas  . . . peacefully walked through the Capitol on January 6 instead of real threats.”

Rioters or peaceful grannies? Which were the brave, gun-toting GOPers guarding against?

It’s foolish to expect an answer from someone who dwells on Planet Wacko.

*

I would suggest that Rep. Greene read the writing on the wall—at least the writing on the walls of some UK soccer fields and purchase the shoes that are “Designed for Connection.” Perhaps she could walk herself into a connection with reality, if not consistency.

*

The intrusion of reality into a false world is one purpose of parody. 

Here’s a cigarette advertisement that ran for a good while in the latter part of the 1940s:

And here’s the parody (aka, reality):

*

To finish the month with a flourish, I offer three of my favorite pieces of mail:

1. What Middlesex County, New Jersey has to say about Yosemite National Park in California I don’t know. But I am to be the spokesman. What an honor!

*

2. 
   
   I am of course determined not to miss out on “$0 benefits.” Who wouldn’t be?

*

     3.  Speaking of determined, I can’t wait to discover “THE BEST WAY TO PROCESS HINDQUARTERS.” 

Where’s my knife?

*

Going to the supermarket? How can you resist buying a pizza sauce that’s “Pizzeria Style”?

*

Back in the 1940s, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus was really customer-friendly; for the price of admission they gave you a seat.

*

And while we’re in the 40s (1949, to be precise) let’s note that Marjorie Taylor Greene (she of the space lasers setting fire to California forests) had a congressional predecessor, Senator Owen Brewster, who claimed that forest fires in Maine were set by foreign saboteurs.

Plus ça change and all that. 

***

(1) https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/mtg-review-far-rabble-rouser-070011370.html

 

Only Make Believe

The present day New Yorker magazine has many fine features (and at $8.99 newsstand price it better have). Although the present magazine continues to have an editorial section called “THE TALK OF THE TOWN,” it omits the short anecdotes of overheard conversations, of letters and notes from juvenile campers and semi-literate maids, of missed meetings and mixed-up reservations that were standard fillers a half-century ago—and sources of pleasurable humor.

Here is an item from 1947—and I cannot imagine that any other little tale can match it. 

“I want to ride the Make Believe Train, mama . . .”

The “Make Believe” train—how the mishearing (and metanalysis in this case) caused a quickening of desire in a young girl. What delights, what adventures would be open to her. 

And wouldn’t you too like to ride the Make Believe Train? Wouldn’t you want a trip away from the everyday, from the prosaic?  

Alas, the mother’s voice—the adult world—“Shut up!” intruded and shattered the little girl’s hope for a magical, technicolor journey.

The beige reality was revealed—it was the Maple Leaf train.

The truth—as the poor girl sadly learned, as we all eventually learn—is that the end of the journey is always Toronto.

 

God Knows

Representative Mike Johnson of Louisiana has just been elected (by Republican votes) as the new Speaker of the House of Representatives. Shortly after the vote, Johnson made some pronouncements about the deity that seemed to us here at Drnormalvision to be problematic, and so we turned to the one source who could clear up our confusion: We got God on the phone.

* 

God: “Hello, God here.”

Us: “Hi, God, it’s the gang at Drnormalvision. We wonder if you could enlighten us about the election of the new Speaker of the House.”

God: “The election of what?”

Us: “Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States Congress.”

God: “Never heard of it. Is it important?”

Us: “Well, we think it is.”

God: “OK, then, tell me about it.”

Us: “After members of the Republican Party sabotaged the original Speaker and made three failed attempts to elect another, the Party chose Mike Johnson of Louisiana.”

God: “OK, I follow you so far, but where do I come in to this?”

Us: “Well, Mike Johnson claimed that you are ‘the one that raises up those in authority.’ Which implies that he was your chosen one to be Speaker of the House.”

God: “That’s a good one! I never heard of him.”

Us: “Let me quote his exact words:

‘I don’t believe there are any coincidences in a manner like this. I believe that Scripture, the Bible is very clear that God is the one that raises up those in authority. He raised up each of you, all of us. And I believe that God has ordained and allowed each one of us to be brought here for this specific moment in this time. This is my belief. I believe that each one of us has a huge responsibility today, to use the gifts that God has given us to serve the extraordinary people of this great country, and they deserve it.’”

God: “And who was he referring to when he said I ‘ordained and allowed each one of us to be brought here for this specific moment in this time’?”

Us: “I imagine Jim Jordan, Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor Greene, among others.”

God: “I never heard of any of them. So how could I ‘ordain’ them?”

Us: “You never heard of them? How about Mike Johnson?”

God: “Also, as I said before, never heard of him.”

Us: “Is that so?”

God: “Would I lie?” 

It's All Right, Ma, . . .

. . . It’s Only Juden

On October 7, armed homicidal Hamas terrorists attacked the Tribe of Nova music festival in Israel. They killed at least 260 attendees. 

It would be nice to be able to say that the massacre evoked universal condemnation. Unfortunately, that is not possible. While there has been a great outcry against the perpetrators of the act, some groups have found it a perfect occasion to celebrate the cause that the murderers espoused. Here’s a “die-in” staged at Harvard University:

While the protesters held signs bewailing the loss of Palestinian lives, the fact that the initiators of the conflict were Palestinians and that the victims of the massacre were Jews was (not so) mysteriously omitted.     

 

*

Almost exactly six years ago, on October 1, 2017, another attack on a music festival occurred. Shots rained down on the Route 91 Harvest country music festival in Las Vegas, Nevada. The perpetrator, Stephen Paddock, ensconced in a room high up in the Mandalay Bay Hotel, fired more than 1,000 rounds into the 22,000-person crowd. Sixty people were killed and more than 800 wounded.

Paddock died of a self-inflicted gunshot. He left no message behind explaining his actions. The Clark County Sheriff stated,

"What we have been able to answer are the questions of who, what, when, where and how... what we have not been able to definitively answer is why Stephen Paddock committed this act.”^*

*

Stephen Paddock’s Mistake

Half-a-dozen years after his infamous act, Stephen Paddock’s name does not rest on the tip of anybody’s tongue. Unlike, say, Confederate sympathizer John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of Abraham Lincoln, who is remembered in history, Paddock espoused no cause when he unleashed death from his hotel window. If Paddock had left behind a statement supporting—or denouncing—some cause or other, his name would probably be celebrated by Harvard students at an annual die-in. Instead, those students have to settle for the Hamas assassins and their crimson bloodshed.  

***

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_Las_Vegas_shooting

Language Follies 7

No Valentines

The National Hockey League season started a week ago Tuesday and that means—more weird advertisements on the rinks’ boards. Wednesday saw what just might be the highlight of the season: in Calgary, Alberta, a law firm claimed to be “Lawyers You’ll Love.” An outpouring of valentines is—to my mind at least—quite unlikely.

Panic Stations

Sportsnet.ca had the following headline on Thursday, Oct. 12: 

The Edmonton Oilers lost their opening game of the season—and had only 81 more to play. Keep away from open windows, folks!

But lest you think that winning their opening game brings blue skies, bright sunshine, and flowers, here’s another headline at Sportsnet:

The 'what-ifs' for the Toronto Maple Leafs after one single game

What The New Yorker used to call “The Omnipotent Whom”

In related news: The elite law firm Davis Polk rescinded job offers for students whom it believed led organizations that signed statements blaming Israel for the Hamas attacks — but said it was reconsidering some of those decisions.

(NY Times newsletter)

Like the Dodo

Remember Pontiac motor cars? In their later days they advertised their vehicles thusly:

We Build Excitement

Maybe if they concentrated on building cars, they might still be in business.

How Many Fingers?

In last night’s Los Angeles Kings hockey game, one of the advertisements on the sideboards read:

LA Restaurant Week

Oct. 6-20

Best Advice?

One of the features of modern food packaging is a picture of the product with the caption “Serving Suggestion.” That makes perfect sense if you are depicting your crackers with a lump of beluga on it. Be aware, patron, there’s only a bunch of wafers in the tube. 

But somehow I have to think that the “serving suggestion” on the following panel on a package of tea bags is the most helpful advice of all:

After all, what use is hot tea without a cup?