Language Follies 3

We start off today with a major award: the George Orwell Euphemism Prize.

It goes to the university where I spent a third of the 20th century teaching: New Jersey City University.

Although I’m sure that cause-and-effect is not at play here, the fact remains that in the two decades since I retired, the school has plunged into massive debt (even taking into account that my monstrous salary was taken off the books). So, the school has announced that action will be taken to stabilize the ship: it will be “rightsizing.” 

That is, NJCU will be firing staff. 

And what can be wrong when you are doing “right”?

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Now for some food shopping.

Can you imagine a more delicious way to expire than to munch some Tombstone Pizza?

Want some deli? Super Fresh supermarket offers this MOTO (Master of the Obvious) aviso in its weekly circular:

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Are you “everybody”? Don’t you just love those ads that claim that “everybody” is buying this or that? Here’s a variation:

The Canned Tuna Every Family Is Switching To

Now, if ever I was blessed (or is it cursed?) to be a member of the management team for the advancement of this particular brand of canned tuna, I would raise my hand at the next meeting and venture to suggest that the company could save money by not advertising the product. After all, if “Every Family” is switching to our fish, all we’d have to do is wait and we’d have the market to ourselves without the need to spend even a dime more. History is on our side! 

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What’s in your mailbox? Mine is filled six days a week with appeals from charitable organizations for some of my hoard of gelt. What most of the envelopes contain is something like this:

An offer for a “free gift.” Which qualifies as this post’s Tautology Award.

Aren't gifts by definition “free”? Would you spring for an "unfree gift"?

Anyway, I am a sucker for good deeds and have responded with a check to many of the appeals: environmental, medical, humanitarian. And as a result, I have accumulated a load of “free gifts.”

                                                            

                                             Don't forget the hats!

Amazing, though, how many hundreds of dollars these “free gifts” have cost me.

 

Smoke Dreams

I went to pick up my laundry at the laundromat this afternoon. A scrawny personage in a red t-shirt that referenced Florida and US troops was delivering an oration on how Joe Biden would pardon Hunter Biden before the former leaves office. 

I—in my most statesman-like manner—exclaimed, “You're full of shit.”

Mr. Scrawny muttered something about Hunter Biden’s being tried and found guilty. To which I responded that before anyone is tried they must be accused of a crime. “What crime did Hunter Biden commit?”

Scrawny began to claim a collaboration between H. Biden and Russia. “Russia?” I asked. “I thought it was Ukraine.”

His answer was “Russia and Ukraine.”

At which point I turned off the discussion and said, “You are smoking some weird stuff.”

And as I departed through the door with my laundry bag over my shoulder, I exclaimed, “I have to get me some of that weed!”

No Controversy Here

Ron I-am-not-a-racist DeSantis, Governor of Florida, has been carrying on about the content of the high school Advanced Placement course in African American Studies. He claimed that the original program “pushed an agenda” and was particularly concerned about topics like Black queer studies and movements for Black lives.*

And the College Board, which oversees the AP program, has just announced changes—a new course framework that eliminates some of DeSantis' concerns.

Unfortunately for the College Board, the State of Florida has pre-empted the CB’s move and developed its own AP examination in African American Studies. We here at drmormalvision with our secret spies have obtained an advanced copy of the examination.

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FLORIDA’S DECIDEDLY NON-PARTISAN, COMPLETELY OBJECTIVE TEST

INSTRUCTIONS:

Circle only one answer for each question

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1)  Clarence Thomas is most famous for

A—Dancing with Shirley Temple

B—Breaking Babe Ruth’s home run record

C—Serving for a long, long time on the Supreme Court

D—Having a great Afro

2)  Herschel Walker is famous for

A—Trombone solo on “Take the A Train”

B—Losing a Senate race

C—Writing songs for Motown

D—Having a great Afro 

3)  Michael Jordan did all but one of these:

A—Sold sneakers to Republicans

B—Dunked a basketball

C—Starred in "Mutiny on the Bounty"

D—Hawked underwear

4)  Diamond and Silk were

A—Brilliant political commentators

B—Excellent tap dancers

C—Antifa agitators

D—On sale at Macy’s

5)  Donald Trump did more for Black people than

A—Martin Luther King, Jr

B—Abraham Lincoln

C—Lyndon B. Johnson

D—All of the Above

6)  Black History Month celebrates

A—Boston Blackie

B—Blackstone’s Commentaries on the Laws of England

C—The Black and White Minstrels 

D—None of the Above

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* https://www.politico.com/news/2023/02/01/african-american-studies-course-desantis-00080390