In March 1967, Svetlana Alliluyeva left India, where she was visiting, and a month later arrived in New York City. This was not a case of romantic tourism, but an act of personal and political freedom. And Alliluyeva was not just any traveller, but the daughter of Joseph Stalin. Refusing to return to the Soviet Union from India, Alliluyeva left behind a son and a daughter; the latter would never speak to her mother again.(1)
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My grandfather carted samples of soap all over England until his retirement. I was always thinking of what it was like to be him. My mother never spoke of him, absolutely hated him, changed her name to have no association with him.
Laura Cumming(2)
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Five weeks ago, the Guardian (UK) published an article entitled “‘I wish I’d told Dad how much I hated him’ – when children ditch their parents” that asked the question: “What pushes someone to cut all ties with their mother or father.”(3)
The article received 1114 reader comments.
While not all the comments added to the litany of family boycotts, cut-offs, and back-turnings of the original articles, very many of them did. The article and comments made for very grim reading. Having myself had a moderately decent upbringing, I had to second the response of one reader, who wrote,
[I]t makes me incredibly grateful for having the parents and the upbringing which I did have, where Mum & Dad's respect for one another was glaringly obvious, and their devotion to their children paramount.
The reader went on to say,
[I]t makes me feel inadequate in terms of relating to those who were not so fortunate.
It what ways were the unfortunate ones unfortunate? Here are some examples:
“Mum’s first love was always men, and when I was 15 she moved to Africa for a boyfriend without telling me. . . . She has contacted me since but always asks for money. That’s why I made the decision to cut all ties with her.”
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Andy hasn’t spoken to his mother for 25 years, after they stopped communicating in his early 20s. . . . He says he was never praised for his achievements, only criticised for doing things wrong. “Whatever I did, it was never good enough. If I did well at something, my dad would always have to prove he was better.”
He later realized that his parents’ views were “snobby, sexist, bigoted and racist.”
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Following decades of gaslighting and other toxic behaviours, my mother chose the day we learned my partner was going to die, imminently, to tell her what she thought of her. Unfiltered bile, abuse, lies and spin. It was both shocking and absolutely devastating. . . . I am now 16 years no contact and life is better for it. If your parent demonstrates consistently bad behaviour you are completely entitled to ditch them and not feel bad about it.
Those are just three examples. There are hundreds more tales of abuse (mental, physical, and emotional) on the Guardian’s pages. And when one considers that these are the stories related by the readers of one newspaper in one country at one point in time, one can only wonder at the amount of family misery that must exist in this world.
One is relieved that some victims of family abuse are able to escape by cutting off contact with family members, however hard that might be.
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In a “July 2019 Joint Letter from Secretaries Azar [Health and Human Services] and Pompeo [State Department] on International Partnerships,” those two Trumpian worthies urge other countries to “defend the family as the foundational unit of society vital to children thriving and leading healthy lives.”(4) Which is rich coming from a government led by a thrice-married, multiply-adulterous president.
And especially hypocritical considering the policy of forced separation of parents and children at our southern border.
At least the separations of parents and children reported in the Guardian article were voluntarily decisions of adults.
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(3) https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/aug/27/i-wish-id-told-dad-how-much-i-hated-him-when-children-ditch-their-parents
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