The Greenhouse Effect

During our COVID-19 lockdown we have been offered tons of advice on how to survive our isolation. Lists have been offered of books, TV shows and movies, exercise regimens, and music to fill our time indoors. The offerings of advice that I most welcome—seeing that I have books, music, and movies overflowing the living room (notice I didn’t say anything about exercise)—are the lists of recipes to be attacked in my kitchen. 

The other day the ever-helpful New York Times offered up an article entitled, 

A Mediterranean-Inspired Menu to Keep You Going All Day
Savory spiced oats, chicken salad pita and spicy meatballs: These recipes offer a trip abroad, via your pantry.

I don’t know about those oats, but I love chicken salad and meatballs, and so I dug into the article, especially enticed by the author’s talk about finding the ingredients in my pantry (i.e., kitchen shelves, for us peasants) during the self-isolation.

Anyway, since I have a box of oatmeal lying around I did take a look at the recipe. To the oats, the author, David Tanis, adds “a fried egg, a bit of roasted pepper, a generous sprinkling of za’atar . . . .” Wait a minute; I’m supposed to have za’atar hidden away in my pantry behind the sardines and Oreos? I don’t even know what the hell za’atar is—a Persian god, perhaps? a Viennese musical instrument? 

Well, forget the oats.

On to the meatballs—“Spicy Meatballs With Chickpeas.” Turns out the meat in the meatballs is ground lamb, which I imagine I could harvest from one of the furry creatures munching on the grass outside my New Jersey window. I do have a can or two of chickpeas, but Mr. Tanis advises,

If you have the time, cook your chickpeas from scratch.

I wouldn’t know what a scratch chickpea looks like, and even if I did find a stray one hunkered down in my (ahem) pantry, I don’t have the temperament to “soak them for a few hours or overnight.” Cooking is now or never with me. Generously, Tanis allows us, if we prefer, to “serve the meatballs with couscous.” Right! substitute non-available couscous for the missing chickpeas.

One more recipe to go, and maybe for that one I can just pull stuff off the shelves.

Sorry, no. It’s for “Grilled Chicken Pita With Yogurt Sauce and Arugula.” Now, I sometimes have some leftover chicken cowering in the fridge, and if I’m careful I might be able to separate the yogurt from the fruit on the bottom in my breakfast yogurt cups, but arugula? Who has arugula? I could come up with some wilted lettuce leaves. Would that do?

*

A number of years ago, while I was at my car dealer’s waiting for an oil change one morning, I glanced over to the TV set where a chef was cutting something up with a big knife, with a fairly attractive woman observing him. After a commercial break, the chef had disappeared into the ether, and the woman was outside a house with an expanse of lawn behind her. She gestured with her arm and said, 

I like to have two greenhouses, one for something-or-other and another for this-and-that.

(Please excuse me for not implanting the real words in my brain.) By a leap of intuition I said to myself, “That must be Martha Stewart.” (I had heard about her, but didn’t know her.) I was right. 

Martha Stewart extolling the joys of having two greenhouses, and I didn’t have even one!

Now that I think about it, maybe I could get Martha to rummage in the something-or-other or the this-and-that greenhouse and fetch me some arugula.