We have just received a new report from our spy—er, “source”—in the White House. He reports that President Trump was so happy with his re-naming the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America that he was going to—in his words—“make American names America First names.”
In his first proclamation Trump will demand the re-naming of Mississippi, Wisconsin, Minnesota, and all other states with Indian names. “They’re losers, those redskins. We real Americans pushed them out of all the best territory. We can’t have our states named after losers.”
Next, Trump said, that after changing the Gulf of Mexico, it was time to rid the country of other Spanish names. Thus, Colorado, Montana, Florida, etc. would have to have their names changed to America First ones. “And who was the stupid person,” Trump asked, “who came up with New Mexico?”
Other places with names associated with foreign countries are also on Trump’s hit list: New York, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Orleans. “The worst of all, Trump declared, “was naming the whole northeast after the greatest losers of all, the losers of the Revolutionary War—New England!”
On the same topic, Trump scorned names after another country’s monarchs. “The Carolinas have to go. And Georgia. And Virginia. Only American monarchs should be celebrated.”
UPDATE
Our spy—er, “source”—just reported that the re-naming project has been indefinitely postponed. It seems that someone whispered into Trump’s ear that America itself was named after a foreigner—Amerigo Vespucci, an Italian.
The last our spy heard was that Trump was mulling naming the whole country after a more acceptable European—Leif Erikson.
He wouldn’t dare to try to name the country after himself—would he?
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